phone is dead. charger is in car car is with a girl with borderline disorder who’s going to do something weird and ought show up tonight
ongoing crush person suddenly doesn’t have a message box, just a character limited box…which is troublesome because I am not hemmingway.
fuck the police.
Imagine the baby that would result from a night of passion between Ebenezer Scrooge (before the spirits changed his ways) and Mr. Krabs from Spongebob. Now imagine that baby grew up and married the baby that would result from a night of passion between Yzma from the Emperor’s New Groove and Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. Now imagine the newlyweds had a baby of their own, and that baby was raised aboard a Ferengi Starship, where she was tutored in empathy and compassion by Lord Voldemort. Now imagine that baby grew up and someone told her that any opinions she might have or conclusions she might reach are based on objective logic and reason, and that anyone who disagrees with her is simply being irrational. Now multiply that person’s greed and heartlessness by 100 and you’ll begin to see something that comes close to resembling Ayn Rand.
So if there are places aside from this, That of course means that we can move from place to place. Or does it?
The leap of logic inherent is that we are things that move from place to place, and then the complicit falsehoods are that the places we can move to are places we would be motivated to move to, and that having each the ability, motivation, and place, the move is allowed by our situation.
Which asks the question of ability, Which would seem to include the allowance of situation, and that this is then just a recusion of deliberate definition.
But then anyway… the real question is that if this girl has gone to sleep on me…. then ought I leave?
First I must determine whether she is awake.
now, what I want out of life is friends around me and possibly a girlfriend. But I might want to be the girlfriend and have a boyfriend, so that’s a confusing point for me, full of desires and jealously and strange back and forth. The person I want is muchly the person I want to be, and in that context, well, that’s somewhat troubling.
This isn’t a thing that I’ve mastered, but neither is it a thing that damages me on a regular basis. What does damage me is the feeling of isolation I put myself into whenever I’m not involved with a person in a manner that is..incredibly difficult to achieve, due in part to my depression and in part to my snobbish standoffish behavior and complete lack of comprehension of many of the meatsacks wandering around pretending to be people….
Except, then, what I want more than anything else, for some reason, likely because I’m an addict of some sort, is to intoxicate myself such that things are..a little bit harder. But also easier. Math is harder, and figuring out the fall patterns of things, reflexes, but people? people make a bit more sense.
So that’s a thing that finds me over and over. And it doesn’t hurt that I largely forget the part of me that is jealous and uncomfortable and wants to die.
Except for those times when such things are what are on my mind, and those times are…not quite fun.
But then…neither is drinking alone, and I fear I can’t replicate the pattern of drinking I managed to put together in college, which was, while incredibly unhealthy, at the very least, completely social.
And the fact that as an adult I’m not entitled to spaces like I had as a kid in school is somewhat bothersome.
I think there might be something wrong with that, because it seems a bit wrong that as things get harder and stranger, I ought back off from these other things and isolate myself and be self contained, rather than networked and helpful.
But perhaps I’ve a warped idea of what it means to be an adult, and had a warped view of my very private parents, and can get away with living a much more open life in a much tighter knit group.
If I can only manage to get one of those together.